Copyright 2006 X & Y Communications
You've done everything it takes to get your own game together, and you've been a man or woman who deserves what you want for sometime now. In fact, you've found a partner as terrific as you are, and the question has inevitably surfaced: Is it time to "pop the question" around here?
I believe a lot of us really have not spent enough time ruminating upon what it really takes to consider a decision to make marriage plans. And make no mistake, my friends, this is the kind of thought that should go on long before you are ever in the position to actually act upon what you think and / or feel.
Indeed, getting engaged should never be a "knee-jerk" decision. In fact, nothing involving "jerks" of any kind should ever be a consideration.
So whether you are in a serious relationship right now or not, let's consider the top ten signs to look for when considering marriage:
1) You are attracted to each other
First, you absolutely, positively must be sexually attracted to the object of your affection. This is NOT being shallow, as we've discussed previously. Don't you appreciate how I freely endorse making this a priority? Thought so. Feel better now? LOL
2) You actually like each other
Laugh if you will, but I've seen first-hand how couples justify long-term relationships despite getting on each other's nerves big time. I personally don't get it, and if you deserve what you want I surely hope you don't want that.
3) You've spent enough time together to really know each other
Let's not talk in terms of calendar time here. If a couple is in a long-distance-relationship (LDR) for two years and see each other once a month for two days, they may see each other about as much as a couple who lives two blocks apart and has been joined at the hip since they met a month ago. When you know that you've seen the person at his or her most relaxed (and at his or her worst, for that matter), then and only then are you in a position to speculate regarding what the future really holds.
4) You are on the same page spiritually
Don't underestimate the importance of this. If you believe that God should be at the center of your relationship, it can only be that way if your would-be partner agrees. If this hasn't been talked about yet, make it a priority to do so. Even if you are both agnostic or atheist, for that matter, it's still a good idea to discuss your world views and make sure you are in agreement on what your core beliefs are.
5) Your long-term goals are similar
If your futures are taking you in different directions, either someone is going to have to compromise, or your futures don't have each other in them. Period.
6) You know how to play together
Sure, she goes shoe shopping while he watches the NFL. But do you know how to enjoy leisure time together? We're not just talking about sex here? I always thought it would be amazing to find a woman who would want to go BMX racing with me. As it turns out, that wasn't so farfetched. Couples who play together stay together.
7) You both want to be married
Do both of you really desire marriage? If you feel you are trying to persuade someone out of the single life who still wants to be there then guess what…you are not making valuable use of your time.
8) The basics in your lives are handled
Are you mentally and physically healthy? Is your self-esteem in good shape? If you carry heavy concerns that consume you, it's not time to invite someone else into your world permanently. After all, that would only give your heavy concerns someone else to consume. And that's not part of a balanced relationship.
9) You have no doubt in your mind that your partner is committed to you as you are to him/her
Ah yes…the "trust" factor. Kill all jealousy in order to ready yourself for a committed relationship. And make darn skippy sure that's okay to do. If there are signs your future husband or wife would cheat on you, then forgettaboutit. Really.
10) You have no doubt in your mind that you are committed to your partner as he/she is to you
Turnabout is fair play here. Are you completely sure you are trustworthy? Do you harbor fantasies about cheating on your future spouse? If you are focusing too much on someone else—especially if that "someone else" is potentially available to you, then my suggestion is to get that resolved before feigning "commitment" to someone who would be truly committed to you.
Whether you feel you are ready for marriage or not is okay. One should never feel pressured either way. The framework for a solid marriage with a great long-term prognosis can only be established when both partners truly want to be there…and believe wholeheartedly in both the future and in each other.
After all, isn't that what love is for?
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Want to hear more? Scot McKay is a dating coach in San Antonio, TX and founder of X & Y Communications, a one-stop-shop for dating resources. He is the author of the new book "Deserve What You Want", and hosts the popular podcast series "X & Y On The Fly". He may be reached at scot@xandycommunications.net or on the Web at http://www.dating-advice.us/ and http://www.romantic-dinner.com/ . The podcast series is available free of charge at http://feeds.feedburner.com/xyonthefly .
Chat with the Neighbour
A couple of days back, I was going for my customary evening jog - I am trying very hard to lose a little weight and with not much success so far, I must add - after returning from work. I saw my neighbour outside her house and we exchanged the usual pleasantries. Then started the fun part. She looked around furtively and sensing that there was no one around, all but whispered in my ears "You know what I heard? That good-for-nothing girl who stays next door to Mrs. XYZ, yeah, that X! She is getting married." No one seeing the two of us talking would have been left in any doubt in his/her mind regarding the nature of the conversation. She glanced around again, looking for whoever it was that she was trying to avoid, and satisfying herself that there wasn't anyone, she continued in her characteristic whisper "I have seen her with a few guys from time to time. I thought she will hook one of these poor chappies when the time comes. And, guess what! She is not getting married to any of them. My god, you youngsters are incorrigible. No morals, no ethics, no values, no principles (They all sounded the same to me but I didn't dare question her lest my head or some other part got bitten off)." Starting a debate on this issue was not what I wanted at that moment. It was getting dark and I had to start soon if I really wanted to get some exercise. I started looking at my watch and pretended to be in a tearing hurry knowing what was coming next and in no mood to listen to it. She was way too clever to buy that trick of mine and gave me a good dressing down "Yeah, now you are acting busy just to avoid me. Being an elderly person with more experience than your age, I have the right to correct people when they are wrong and put some discipline into them whenever possible. Youngsters these days have absolutely no respect for their parents and elders. They think they are the smartest and that they are god's gift to earth. Look at that Z! He got married against his parents' wishes and before we could even blink an eyelid, he got divorced." She continued after her customary ten second interval peek "And, the reason being cited is that they had a difference of opinion. Is that any reason for a divorce? Gone are the good old days when we stayed with our husbands even if they beat us up. Nowadays, a slight misunderstanding is a good enough excuse for a divorce. I say, someone has to put some sense into these hot headed youngsters." And, out came the famous lines that I was dying to hear "Anyway, it is no business of mine. I am not the type to poke into other people's affairs and intrude when I am not wanted. I have so much work to do at home. You see, my son's wedding is coming up in a month's time. He is getting married to his colleague from work. I will visit your place soon to invite your family for the wedding. Don't miss it, ok?" She then bid goodbye and went back indoors.
It got me thinking about the complex neighbour-neighbour relationship (I hope I am not the only one who has this unique love-hate relationship with my neighbours). I wonder whether neighbours are really concerned about our well-being or it is just their love for idle gossip that can't keep them away. Does a good and caring neighbour really exist or is it just a figment of one's imagination that just adds to the list of oxymorons? Anyway, I postponed thinking about it to another day, cancelled my jogging for the day and hurried home to demolish the ice cream that was waiting for me.
Discover What to Say in 15 Normally Awkward Common Situations - Part Three.
Copyright 2006 Deborah Torres Patel
This three part article series tells you how to say the right thing in awkward situations. In part 3 you will discover how to warn someone about nasty body odor, ask your neighbor to lower the volume on their blasting stereo, disagree with your mother-in-law but still respect her, make small talk with your ex-lover, and call a school bully's mother to report a scrape with your child.
Part 3
SITUATION 11
You want to warn a friend about her garlic breath or nasty body odor
WHAT TO SAY
"I have something to tell you that might be embarrassing but as your friend, I feel I should inform you that you have noticeable bad breath/body odor. What I use for it is _____. I'm sorry to have to share this but I would hope that you do the same for me."
SITUATION 12
Your neighbor habitually blasts his stereo every night and you're about to knock on his door to tell him off
WHAT TO SAY
If you knock on his door say, "I'm sorry to disturb you however; I need you to be aware that your stereo is so loud that we/your neighbors/my family/my young children, are unable to sleep/rest. Obviously, we can't tell you what do but as your neighbors we would greatly appreciate your lowering the stereo volume after (9pm)."
If the noise continues repeatedly, especially during the weekdays, I would formally report the continuing disturbance to the appropriate authorities.
SITUATION 13
You disagree with your mother-in-law but do not want to upset her
WHAT TO SAY
"I respect your point of view but must say that I don't fully agree. Can we agree to disagree? I am committed to having a good relationship with you and don't feel it is 100% necessary that we think exactly the same about everything. Do you agree?"
SITUATION 14
You're trapped in an awkward situation where you're expected to make small talk with an ex-boyfriend with whom you've had a bad breakup
WHAT TO SAY
"Haven't seen you in awhile - How have you been?"
You can ask questions or make comments about his interests, family or close friends. "How's your mother?" or "I noticed your team won the FA cup."
If you'd rather not speak, let him strike up conversation first. Then keep the focus on him by asking general questions about his life.
If you do want to discuss anything take advantage of the opportunity to gain further completion/closure of the relationship.
SITUATION 15
Your child was hurt in a scuffle in school and you're calling the perpetrator's mother to discuss it
WHAT TO SAY
Write a script on paper with a general idea of what you want to say in advance. This will keep you and the conversation on track if the perpetrator's mother gets defensive or upset.
"I'm calling to find out if your child told you about an incident he was involved in at school today. I know all types of things can happen between children and neither one of us were there. However, my child is quite hurt and I thought you might be able to fill me in on your child's side of the story."
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Deborah Torres Patel is an internationally acclaimed expert on self expression and the fine arts of voice & communication. To receive ongoing tips & subscribe for complimentary online training sign up at http://www.expressingyou.com .